Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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