Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
