Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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