On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
