I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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