She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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