i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
40s are totally the cure
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
