my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
