These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
