I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
