I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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