talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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