She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
