I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
