i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
