Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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