I want to make a zoo with you.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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