If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize