Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
