I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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