I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
