I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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