my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
