so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
