So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
