I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
There r osticjed everywhere
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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