Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Randomize
