I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
