i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
