I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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