Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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