what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
