I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
