I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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