just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
