I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
