I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
