Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Randomize
