I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
