I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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