Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
