i wish my penis had a tongue
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
