How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
