i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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