That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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