I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
