also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
