I puked a lego.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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