I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
