do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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