According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
