my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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