Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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