i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
