When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
