two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
