can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
