I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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